Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the main event.

After weeks of nominations and eliminations, the 20 Most Eligible Bachelors of Craft Beer (2011) have been determined.

The basic qualifications were as such:

1. Must work for a craft brewery (all positions considered)
2. Must NOT be married (other relationship statuses accepted)

Many men were evaluated, and only 20 made the final cut.

The judging criteria were as follows:

1. Industry Talent
2. Personality
3. Appearance

20 men were scored and ranked — but only ONE man will take home the crown of “Mr. Craft Beer 2011.”

Without any further ado, let me present the winners of….

THE 20 MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS of CRAFT BEER 2011

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# 20 — Mr. James Watts

Founder, BrewDog

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# 19 — Mr. Dylan Lintern

Vice President, NOLA Brewing Company

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#18 — Mr. Chad Melis

Marketing Director, Oskar Blues

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#17 — Mr. Jon Carpenter

Brewer, Dogfish Head

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#16 — Mr. Eric Salazar

Brewer, New Belgium Brewing Company

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#15 — Mr. Colin Ferguson

Beer Jockey, Great Divide Brewing Company

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#14 — Mr. Tyler King

Brewmaster, The Bruery

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#13 — Mr. Jason Yester

President & Brewmaster, Trinity Brewing

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#12 — Mr. Jason Oliver

Brewmaster, Devil’s Backbone Brewing Company

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#11 — Mr. Matt Dauffenbach

Sales Manager & Evangelist, Tallgrass Brewing Company

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And now for the top ten most eligible men in the craft beer industry … drum roll please….

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#10 — Dr. Bill Sysak

FOH Beverage Supervisor, Stone Brewing Company

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#9 — Mr. Adam Avery

Founder & Brewmaster, Avery Brewing Company

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#8 — Mr. Jamie Floyd

Co-founder & Brewmaster, Ninkasi Brewing Company

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#7 — Mr. Greg Koch

CEO & Co-founder, Stone Brewing Company

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#6 — Mr. Garrett Oliver

Founder & Brewmaster, Brooklyn Brewery

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#5 — Mr. Joe Mohrfeld

Brewer, Odell Brewing Company

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#4 — Mr. Shaun “Sully” O’ Sullivan

Brewmaster & Co-Founder, 21st Amendment

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#3 — Mr. Kelly Ryan

Brewer, EPIC Beer

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#2 — Mr. Matt Bryndilson

Brewmaster, Firestone Walker Brewery

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#1

MR. CRAFT BEER 2011

NOAH REGNERY

Head Brewer, Pizza Port Brewing Company

Photo Credit: Facebook

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Well, there you have it. The most eligible bachelors of craft beer in 2011. But before all you ladies start bombarding these fine gentlemen with emails, facebook messages, text, tweets, etc… take heed because, unfortunately, many of them are in committed relationships.

BUT WAIT FOLKS. The fun DOES NOT stop here. As with the Miss America Pageant, we have decided to give some of these boys “special awards”… stay tuned for Mr. Congeniality, Mr. Best Dressed and more!

Some of you (okay maybe just my Dad) might have noticed my lack of blogging in the past few weeks. This is partly due to the fact that I am now gainfully employed by an awesome brewery, whose website and blog have taken priority over my own. It is also partly due to travel; the mayhem of beer festival season is upon us… And the last reason I have been so “quite” on my site is because I have been putting a lot of time an energy (yes, I am dead serious) into the research and development of the inaugural list of “20 Bachelors of Craft Beer.”

The idea was developed from conversations that are constantly brought up in personal circles, often behind the scenes, but sometimes publicly on various Social Media platforms. Let’s face it; when humans are attracted to other humans, we tend to vocalize it to our peers (and in my case, the Internet). And as much as I try to fight gender stereotypes, I must admit that the ladies of craft beer do, in fact, gush over the men in the industry.

Now, you must be asking yourself why on earth a self-proclaimed feminist would want to glamorize the boys in the biz… therefore upholding gender stereotypes and further creating a “delineation” between the sexes. Why not a “20 Most Eligible People of Craft Beer” contest instead? Touche, my friends. But the answer is pretty simple: I am a woman in the industry which means I carry with me a certain bias. It is easier for me, personally,  to evaluate men on a subjectively objective scale. And since I was a principal in the development of this operation, it is important that I remove as much bias as possible.

Now having said that, it is important to clarify that, while I may have spearheaded and organized the operation, my opinion only contributed to a fraction of the actual outcome. Allow me now to discuss the process:

This was not a “people’s choice poll”. Instead, we opted for a “pageant-like” competition. Unlike most pageants, the participants did not enter themselves and were not required perform a certain set of tasks on which we judged them.

In order to even qualify for the “pageant”, the men were required to 1. Work for a brewery (not necessarily as a brewer) and they 2. Could NOT be married (other relationship statuses were accepted).

Nominations were collected by a select group of women, who then put them all through several elimination rounds until we narrowed down the list of Top 20. And then, a secret panel consisting of 10 women from all areas of the industry and areas of the world scored each of the 20 “contestants” on 3 different measures.

It is extremely important to note the key word in the competition was

“E L I G I B L E.”

Appearance, although a factor, was not the most important measure. Even Miss America is required to have a talent and prove that she contributes value to the greater good of the world (World Peace FTW!). And so, all of the men on the top 20 list were individually scored on the following three separate measures:

1. Industry Talent: Although many of the men excel at other hobbies, this measure strictly speaks to the “industry impact” that these individuals have made. This can be evidenced by number of medals won, books written, movements started etc… The main question is: are they important and relevant in the craft beer industry?

2. Personality: Let’s face it, brewers (although adorable in their awkwardness) are not known for being social butterflies. In fact, most are extremely socially awkward and truthfully, some are complete pricks. However, a select few stand out from the crowd. These are the speakers that can steal a room, the men that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and the men you find yourself drawn to like a moth to the flame.

3. Appearance: Being in the beer industry is less than glamorous, and those who make it look glamorous deserve a little bit of credit. Drinking beer for a living can adversely affect one’s health and physical fitness. But there are some men who have gone above and beyond to ensure that they keep their beach-ready physique. And well, then there are those that are just adorable in their own awkwardly geeky ways.

Not all the men on the list excel at all three measures. Some might have a lot of two, but none of one. This is why each person was scored on each separate measure, instead of scoring them on a simple scale from one to ten.

Whew. Now that we have gotten all that out of the way… It is time to announce the 20 Most Eligible Bachelors of Craft Beer, right?

Yeahhhhhhhhh, about that.

Do I have the results? Yes….. BUT, I need some time to properly organize them and present them. So please bare with me and, *cross your fingers*, the big reveal will happen within the next day or so… STAY TUNED!

Okay, so technically I missed my blog’s birthday by two days. This is because I was stuck in the midst of travel and any sense of time completely evaded me. I really wanted to write a well thought post about how far I’ve come in the past three years (insert sob story here) and how many of my goals I’ve already reached and what I am excited about reaching in the future…. but, I am sick as a dog. So much so, that I missed my contributing opportunity for Stephen Beautmont’s Blog because all I want to do is sleep or work (and drive to work), nothing in between.

The goods news is that, after three years of relocating and traveling all over the country… three years of maintaining my blog for a negative income… three years of blood, sweat,  and many many many tears, three years of meeting amazing people, making awesome friends and acquiring some of the most knowledgeable and talented mentors… three years of understanding employers and parents… three  years of volunteer brewing, working the bottling line, washing kegs and tanks…

Three years of having a direction, but not really having a final destination….

And now, I have achieved one of the greatest feats yet.

I landed a job with a brewery.

But, I didn’t do it alone. I would never have gotten to this point without all of you — all my friends, fans, followers, family, “internet family” and all the brewers and beer industry professionals who took me under their wing and taught me everything I know. And most of all, I would not have done it without Daniel Del Grande — the man that finally took a chance on the rowdy, fire-spitting Beer Wench. A gesture that he will never regret.

I am now currently gainfully employed by Bison Organic Beer. As for what I will be doing, stay tuned… can’t let all my secrets out of the bag yet!

And so on this joyous 3rd anniversary of Drink With The Wench, I raise a toast to all of you who helped to mold the person that I am today. And most of all, I raise my pint glass to Dan.

And for good ole’ times sake, let’s remember why I chose to drink craft beer…. CHEERS!

I am a Craft Beer Drinker from New Brew Thursday on Vimeo.

CHEERS!

This year, 3,523 beers were judged in 79 different categories at the Great American Beer Festival. Breweries and brewers from all around the country received due recognition for their hard work and dedication to the art of beer.

Whereas these great accomplishments should not go ignored, I will let my fellow bloggers and the Brewers Association inform the rest of the world about the great beer feats at the festival.

You see, while the most studious among us took notes the entire time, I was too busy what we will call… errrr… “living in the moment.” Instead of reviewing beers and recapping the GABF higlights, I have decided express my own (extremely subjective) experience at GABF in the form of “spoof awards.” Because, after all, no awards ceremony is complete without a “spoof awards” presentation. Am I right?

Disclaimer: Some of these awards are more serious than others. And all of them are entirely subjective and not meant to be offensive or taken too seriously…

So without further ado, allow me to present:

The Wench’s 2010 GABF Spoof Awards

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Best Costume

Niko, 21st Amendment — Watermelon Suit

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Most Likely to Get His Mustache + Eyebrows Dyed at a Mansion Party

Josh Deth, Revolution Brewing Company

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Most Likely to be Found Smoking a Cigar

Dr. Bill Sysak

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Studliest Man in a Cowboy Hat

Three-way tie between:
Fred Bueltmann, New Holland Brewing Company
Brad Kraus
Ryan Fulmer, Uncle Billy’s Brew & Que

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Coolest Brewery Booth at GABF

Sierra Nevada
Honorable Mention: Oskar Blues

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Most Iconic Facial Expression in Pictures

Greg Koch, Stone Brewing Co. — #gregface
Honorable Mention: Ashley Routson, The Beer Wench — #wenchface

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Brewer Most Likely to Snag Bottles and Continue Pouring Outside the Convention Center

Jason Yester, Trinity Brewing

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Most Likely to Spike Beer with Spirits

Sebbie Buhler, Rogue

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Brewer Most Likely to Take off His Pants

Sam Calagione, Dogfish Head

(At least that is what the rumor was…)

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Best Socks

Random Dude with Bacon + Beer Socks

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Most Dapper Dressed Brewer

(And the only Brewer who can pull off Red Pants and a Straw Fedora)
Garrett Oliver

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Most Attractive Brewing Company

The Bruery
Honorable Mention: Port Brewing Company

(Photo stolen from: Drink Eat Travel)

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Hottest Chick Brewer

Veronica Vega, Deschutes

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Hottest Dude Brewer

Noah Regnery, PIzza Port San Clemente

Honorable Mention: Tyler King, The Bruery

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Most Disturbing “Quote” Overheard

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Cutest Chick (Denver) Bartender

Leah, Cheeky Monk

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Cutest Dude (Denver) Bartender

Colin, Great Divide Taproom

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Rowdiest Brewery (Inside and Outside of GABF)

Iron Hill
Honorable Mention: Port Brewing

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Brewery Most Likely to Randomly Pass Out in Another Brewery’s Hotel Room

(Unintentionally, of course…)

Dogfish Head

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Most Likely to Pass Out on the Hotel Stairs

Brian Kropf, Mutineer Magazine

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Brewery Most Likely to be Caught Drinking Coors Light at 4am on Saturday After Winning a Gazillion Awards at GABF

Port Brewing Company

(Photo stolen from: Drink Eat Travel)

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Most Likely to Be Found At The Bruery’s Table

Cambria, Drink Eat Travel

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Most Likely to be Caught Singing Karaoke

E.C. Crowe, The “A2″ Beer Wench (Star Bar)

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Brewer with the Most Badass Style

Jamie Floyd, Ninkasi Brewing

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Best Dreadlocks

Jason Yester, Trinity Brewing

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Most Talented Beer Chef

Sean Paxton

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Best Brewer’s Beard

Matt Brynildson, Firestone Walker

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The Man Whose Presence Was Most Missed

David “Moose” Buhler, Elysian

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Best Birthday Party

Taylor Shaw (The Art of Beer), Falling Rock Taphouse

(Picture stolen from: John M. P. Knox)

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Best “Unofficial” GABF Tasting

Dr. Bill’s Rare Beer Party

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The Only Party Where Boobs Outnumbered Beards

Beer For Boobs Brunch, Freshcraft

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Best Harry Caray Impression

Kell Bensen, Colorado Beer Week

Honorable Mention: Alex P. Davis

_________________________________________________

Most Likely to Get Leied on His Birthday

Justin, Brewing Network
(Disclaimer: Leied not Laid)

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Most Likely to Get Her Boobs Grabbed in Public

Melissa Cole

_________________________________________________

Most Likely to be Seen in The Cruise Room

Steve Parkes, American Brewers Guild

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Most Photographed Man (In Person & Cardboard Form)

Charlie Papazian

_________________________________________________

Number One Way to Cause a Hangover

Last Call at Whiskey Bar

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Number One Way to Cure a Hangover

Bacon Bloody Marys at Stuebens

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Best Beer Bar in Denver (and quite possibly The World)

Falling Rock Taphouse

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Best NEW Denver Craft Beer Destination

Tie between:

FreshCraft

Star Bar

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Best Worst Idea at the End of the Night

Whiskey Bar

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Swankiest Cocktail

(Accompanied by a swanky head bob and a shimmy)

Guava Sexy, The Cruise Room

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Best Street Food in Denver

Biker Jim’s Gourmet Dogs

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Best Get-Away (Hideaway) Inside the Convention Center

Farm To Table Food Pavilion

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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…

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THE Most Epic MOMENT During GABF

(Left to Right: Vinnie, Dave, Jennifer, Natalie, Brett, Jay)

The Big Daddy + Jennifer Smith “Impromptu Wedding”

Who: Dave Keene + Jennifer Smith of Toronado

Best Man = Vinnie Chilurzo

Best Woman = Natalie Chilurzo

“Father” of the Bride = Jay Brooks

The Reverend = Brett Joyce

Where: Russian River Booth, GABF Convention Floor

When: Saturday Night

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Naturally, the list could go on forever. Have a spoof award that you would like to give out? Leave a comment below!

CHEERS!

One of the perks of being a chick at a beer festival (or sporting event) is the relatively short bathroom lines (as compared to the men’s lines). Unless, of course, the event features co-ed port-a-potties. In that scenario, lines can be ENDLESS and EXCRUCIATING. It is truly a fight against the clock.

Beer events and stadiums are not the only venues where waiting on line for the bathroom reminds me of a situation similar to the “heart pounding through the chest, sweaty palms, strenuous suspense of dismantling of a bomb with only 10 seconds left on the clock.” Having to go pee in crowded bars with only one bathroom, tailgating parties in stadium parking lots hours before the doors open with access to toilets, long road trips with too much caffeine with no rest area in sight, standing in the middle of the NYC crowded streets during the Thanksgiving Day Parade and not being allowed to use the restrooms in local establishments, being stuck in the window seat of a cross country flight when your neighbors are sleeping and you cannot wake them up for the life of you — those are all moments when your bladder stands the test of time.

I am certain that at some point in your beverage consumption career, you learned to play the “wait as long as physically possible before you break the seal” game. And we all know the tragic circumstances that surrounds the breaking of the seal.

Well kids, have no fear. I have fantastic news. We no longer need to worry about breaking the seal or doing the embarrassing “pee pee” dance in public! Thanks to the brilliant minds behind DontBreakTheSeal.com … all of our bladder prayers have been answered.

From two Miami buds who lost too many “babes” when their game was interrupted by visits to the little boys’ room, BATHROOM BUDDY is a Tylenol-sized capsule based on military technology that stops you from peeing for a solid eight hours, so you can enjoy a night on the town without visiting a single urinal, at least until it’s time to change the cakes again. How it works: once in your gut, BB expands to a softball-sized, readily digestible microfiber sponge (think those sink-borne dino pills from childhood), that soaks up sloshing liquid while allowing booze to be metabolized; after eight hours the Buddy’s processed as solid food, a familiar experience for all except Rip Torn.

Bathroom Buddy is useful for more than just partying. It’s also great for:

• Avoiding piss stops on road trips
• Making sure you don’t have to leave the eyesight of that babe you’re working at the bar, and lose her to some guy who pissed more recently. After all, it’s is slogan: “We stop urine, to make sure you’re in.”
• Winning bets with your friends about who can “hold it” the longest
• Take care of your incontinent elderly family members and saving on adult diapers
• Walking your dog only once every 24 hours

To order BATHROOM BUDDY — Visit the official website and fill out the form!

Happy Belated April Fool’s! Compliments of: ThrillList.com

Cheers!

DRINK WITH THE WENCH PRESENTS:

The Beer Blogger Interview Series

Curious what goes on in the minds of your favorite beer bloggers? Well, The Beer Wench is and she has embarked upon a mission to interview as many beer bloggers that she can — from all over the world. For 3 months now, Drink With The Wench has been interviewing beer bloggers from all over the country.

In honor of April Fool’s Day, The Beer Wench has decided to do a parody on her interview series. Hopefully, it is well received and at least one person finds some entertainment value in it… even if it is only my mother.

THE WENCH PRESENTS:

An April Fool’s Day Spoof

FEATURED INTERVIEW: IF GARY VEE WAS A BEER BLOGGER

Beer Blogger Interview

Full name: Gary VAY-NER-CHUK
Internet nickname: Gary Vee
Twitter handle: @garyvee
Name of blog: Beer Library TV … aka THE THUNDER SHOW … aka The Internet’s Most PASSIONATE Beer Program.
Current location: New York, NY

Background “Snapshot”

1. Where did you grow up?

Technically, I was born in Belarus and grew up in New York, NY. Half of my childhood was spent working in my parent’s liquor store and the other half was spent peddling baseball cards for cash.

2. What sports if any did you play growing up, through college and beyond?

Sports? Me play sports? Have you seen me? I’m practically a midget! I would have gotten killed …

I prefer to limit my sports involvement to pure fanaticism … Jets Jets Jets!

3. How old were you when you had your first beer?

I did not have my first beer until I reached the legal age of 21. Why? Because I was a little goody-two-shoes. Well that, and my parents put the threat of God in me.

4. If you can recall, what is the story of your first beer? Where did you have it? What style and brand was it?

My first experience ever actually drinking beer was doing a keg stand on my 21st birthday. I think it was PBR … but then, my memories of that night are very hazy. But I do remember that PBR did, in fact, taste like carbonated piss water. And trust me, I would know. I have tried it.

Craft Beer Epiphany

Every craft beer enthusiast has at least one pinnacle craft beer experience that completely changes ones perspective on beer. I refer to this mind-blowing moment as a “craft beer epiphany.”

What was your first craft beer epiphany? Recall as many details about it as you can:

After immigrating from Russia, my parents started their own liquor store in NYC. I got really bored while working the cash register so I started reading all of the late Michael Jackson’s beer books. No kids, I am not talking about the (also late) pop sensation and child molester Michael Jackson. I am referring to The Beer Hunter.

Because tasting beer was technically illegal and I was too much of a wimp to sneak sips of it from my parents, I set out on a mission to train my palate “backwards”. To study various flavors associated with beer, I chewed on fresh hops, dried hops, various levels of toasted barley … and even more obscure things like grass, dirt, rocks, tobacco and wood. I probably consumed more New Jersey grass in my teens than any lawn mower.

The flavor profiles of certain beer styles were much harder to “recreate” than others. My worst experience training my palate backwards was with “The Gueuze.” The descriptors for the gueuze said barnyard, horse blanket and lactic acid.

Much to my distain, I set out to mimic the gueuze style as best as possible. I licked a horse saddle, nibbled on a horse blanket that had remnants of manure on it, quickly shoved some sweet hay in my mouth and then washed it all down with a swig of apple cider vinegar.

The real epiphany came when I actually got to drink a real gueuze. I may have gone a little extreme with the whole “backwards” palate training experience. I don’t think I will ever need to chew on a manure stained horse blanket again any time in the near future!

Beer Blog Background

1. How long have you been running Beer Library TV?

I launched Beer Library TV in February of 2006.

2. What inspired you to start Beer Library TV?

I was sick an tired of all the beer snobs taking the THUNDER out of beer. All of the negative reviews and ratings on various beer forums really irritated me. I mean cmon now, this isn’t the wine industry! The craft beer industry does not need arrogant beer elitists scoring beer and dictating market trends. Ratings are, well, over-rated. IMO. Leave ratings to the wine industry.

3. Why did you chose the name Beer Library TV?

Drink With The Wench was taken …

4. Why did you chose a beer vlog over a wine vlog? Your parents store obviously sold both beverages…

Are you seriously asking me this question? EVERYONE knows that beer is the finest beverage on earth. If Jesus had turned water into beer instead of wine, the world would have been a much better place. IMO.

Also, beer is way cooler than wine because when we taste beer we actually swallow it. What is up with all those wine geeks spitting out wine? Hello! Somebody call in the booze patrol, that is some seriously criminal wastage of alcohol!

5. What are you personal goals for Beer Library TV? What do you hope to achieve with it?

First, I want people to try different beers. How can you have a favorite if you only know a few? Second, I tell people to trust their palates. If a beer appeals to your palate, then it’s a good choice. Don’t feel pressured to like popular brands or what experts recommend. Buy what ‘brings the thunder’ for you.

6. What is one of the coolest things that happened to you as a result of being a beer blogger?

Hello! Have you not seen my appearances all over National TV? I am kind of a big deal. I was recently named on AskMen.com’s list of the Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2009. Booyah bitches!

Also, there was this one time during my book tour that I was molested by The Beer Wench with a rubber chicken. His name was Don Quixote. And I’m not gonna lie. It was kind of hot.

7. What is your favorite beer blog/beer website?

Errr, obviously my all time favorite beer website is Drink With The Wench. No brainer!

Beer Talk

1. What are your top 3 favorite beer styles?

How does one chose a favorite star in the sky? I like my beers to be like me — bold and complex (Oak-aged Imperial Stout), funky and wild (Gueze), but still down to earth and approachable (Scottish Mild).

2. What are your top 3 favorite breweries?

I prefer the little guys (like me!) and the under-rated underdogs (like the Jets!).

3. If you could work with or for any one brewery, which one would it be and why?

I would probably work for Dogfish Head Brewery. Like them, I am quite “off-centered.” Oh, and they might be the only brewery actually crazy enough to let me with for them. Well, maybe BrewDog would be crazy enough to hire me … but then, those guys kind of scare me and I think that I would end up dying from alcohol poisoning if I had to work there.

4. Do you have any beer certifications (BJCP, Cicerone, Siebel, American Brewers Guild)?? If so, what are they?

I don’t believe in stuffy beer certifications.

5. What is your favorite beer and food pairing?

BACON and Rauschbier = slam dunk. I also enjoy Lucky Charms with a nice Framboise.

The Personal Side

1. What is your current day job?

I spend most of my days CRUSHING IT — all over the interwebs.

2. If you could change your career at this very moment, without any restrictions on what you could do, what would you want to do and why?

I would own the Jets and CRUSH IT in the Super Bowl.

3. Are you married? Children?

Married? Sometimes … I “work” about 15 hours a day. Last time I checked, I had a wife named Lizzie.

Children? I have a daughter Misha … and I think she is mine, but I never got the results back from the blood test.

4. Outside of beer and writing, what are some of your other hobbies?

JETS JETS JETS!

I used to collect baseball cards, but then I realized that collecting baseball cards does not get you drunk. Or laid. So I switched to beer.

Off The Beaten Path

1. If you were a style of beer, what style would be an why?

I would be an Imperial IPA, continuously hopped for 2 hours and dry hopped 4 times in fermentation then aged in Bourbon Barrels and spiked with Brettanomyces at bottling. Doesn’t make any sense does it? Sounds crazy right? That is EXACTLY why it fits my personality. BIG BOLD, in your face, over the top and absolutely wild. Yes, that is the GaryVee style of beer.

2. You were caught smuggling beer illegally, which has now been made punishable by death. Right before you are sent to the executioner, you are offered one last beer. What beer would you chose and why?

Garret Oliver’s illusive Bacon Beer.

3. If I contracted you to brew a beer (or design a beer recipe) called “The Beer Wench” — what style would you chose and what, if any, extra ingredients would you add?

A bacon gueuze. Don’t ask me how it’s made. But that is what I would make as a tribute to The Wench.

4. If you could be a superhero, what would you want your superpowers to be?

You know the kid in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory who gets shrunk down and then gets zapped into the TV? That is kind of what I want to be able to do — except with the Internet. I want the power to actually climb inside my computer and live not just ON, but IN the internet.

5. What is one of the craziest things you have ever done and lived to tell the story?

I survived getting molested by The Beer Wench with a rubber chicken. I have had nightmares about it ever since …

6. What are your thoughts on bacon?

Bring on the THUNDER!

HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!

CHEERS!

OH, and BTW. The rubber chicken molestation of Gary Vee? That soooooo happened…

Are you a candle loving pyromaniac, but have no tolerance for overwhelming “girlie” scents such Vanilla Bean Cupcake With Pink Sprinkles and Mom’s Fresh Baked Banana Bread???

Well have no fear, there is hope yet!

The brilliant minds behind Koi Kouture recently launched a line of “Man Candles” … errr I mean “Mandles.” Each “Mandle” comes in a recycled Rogue Brewery, Stone Brewing Co. or New Belgium beer bottle.

According to the Etsy site, each bottle has been handcrafted in “a studio full of power tools and beer, while Whitesnake plays in the background.”

How … manly of them. Just add some facial stubble, some Lee’s bluejeans and a shotgun — and you have one killer “Man Candle Making Man Fest.”

These candles are made from 22 oz. beer bottles since, according to Koi Kouture, “men drink big beers and like big candles.” Each candle is between 16 and 18 ounces.

There is a disclaimer though, Koi Kouture does recognize that they cannot alienate the fairer sex and admits that these candles are also for the “awesome girls” that drink beer like “real men.” Awww, shucks. Thanks guys…

In my opinion, the “best” aspect of this concept is that fact that they are using CRAFT BEER bottles for the candles. Which is further proof that “real men” and “awesome girls” don’t just drink beer, they drink craft beer. VIVA LA BEER WARS!

Another fun attribute is that each candle is custom made. The customer not only has the option of choosing the scent, but they also can choose WHICH Rogue Ales beer bottle to put it in! Rock on! Curious about what a “Mandle” scent actually entails?

Here are the scents you can choose from:

HOOTERS WAITRESS SCENTED: Suntan Oil with the faint smell of old deep fryer oil. 

HUNGRY MAN TV DINNER SCENTED: Roast Beef with Creamed Corn (real enough to make you throw up in your mouth a little)

STRIPPER BREATH SCENTED: Watermelon Jolly Rancher with a little stale smoke

HAM & CHEESE SANDWICH ON RYE SCENTED: Ham and cheese on rye…with a tiny bit of mustard. 

MUNCHIES SCENTED: Fritos with an underlying layer of dried pot and a tiny bit of smoke. 

CARNY: Cotton Candy and Corn Dogs…with a little motor oil.

TRAILER PARK: Motor Oil, Fresh Dirt and despair (not really)

CAMPING: Roasted Marshmallow and Firewood

OH NO, IT’S THE COPS!: Coffee and Donuts

ROAD TRIP: Beef Jerky

OLD SPICE (Because the new commercials are amazing!)

PINK STARBURST

SUNTAN OIL

CRAZY OLD FISHERMAN: Fishing Boat and Old Spice

AXE BODY SPRAY: Just like the one your little brother in college wears.

FRESH CUT GRASS: Men love nothing more than mowing the lawn and drinking a beer. 

LEATHER: Just like the leather couch in a bachelor pad

THE RECYCLED BEER BOTTLE CHOICES:

Rogue Brewery American Amber Ale
Rogue Capt. Sig’s Northwestern Ale
Rogue Brewery Shakespeare Stout
Rogue Brewery Kell’s Irish Style Lager
Rogue Brewery Smoke Ale
Rogue Brewery Orange Honey Wheat
Rogue Brewery Juniper Pale Ale
Rogue Brewery Hazelnut Brown
Rogue Brewery Chipolte Ale
Stone Arrogant Bastard Ale
Stone IPA
Stone Ruination IPA
Stone Bitter Chocolate Oatmeal Stout
New Belgium Lip of Faith

Costing about $28 bucks a pop and another 6 bucks in shipping, these candles are not exactly “cheap.” But then, they are completely hand-crafted and the idea is very unique and novel. I would say that they are worth it. Now I know what I am getting all of my craft beer enthusiast friends for future gifts!!!

FOR UPDATES ON KOI KOUTURE’S LATEST MANDLE CREATIONS AND NEW SCENTS, FOLLW THEM ON TWITTER @KOIKOUTURE AND BECOME A FAN ON FACEBOOK!

CHEERS!

DRINK WITH THE WENCH PRESENTS:

The Beer Blogger Interview Series

Curious what goes on in the minds of your favorite beer bloggers? Well, The Beer Wench is and she has embarked upon a mission to interview as many beer bloggers that she can — from all over the world. Are you a beer blogger? Do you want to share your story? Send me an email!

INTRODUCING: THE BEER WENCH

AUTHOR OF: DRINK WITH THE WENCH

Beer Blogger Interview

Full name: Ashley Virginia Routson
Internet nicknames: The Beer Wench & Wenchie. (Do not even ask me how, why and when people started calling me Wenchie. The Beer Wench was meant to be a BADASS name … but somewhere along the road people decided to give me a cutsie little nickname. Crazy kids.)
Twitter handle: @TheBeerWench
Name of blog: Drink With The Wench
Current location: I am a gypsy. (But currently reside in Berkeley, CA)

Background “Snapshot”

1. Where did you grow up?

I was born in Denver, but grew up in the town of Montgomery — just 60 miles north of Manhattan in the very beautiful and historical Hudson Valley, NY. And despite what all the the city folks love to say, I am not from UPSTATE New York. I am from DOWNSTATE.

2. What sports if any did you play growing up, through college and beyond?

I swam competitively from age 6 till I was nearly 21. My swimming career ended with a debilitating bicep injury while in college and I was forced to quit just 6 weeks before the Big Ten Swimming & Diving Championships. (I tore my bicep in the weight room and trained on it until I could not lift my arm. I couldn’t even write. It was bad.)

In middle school and high school, I was on the track team. Although sprinting was my forte, I dabbled in almost every single field event — hurdles, long jump, high jump, shot put, decathalon and I’m proud to say that I was the VERY FIRST female polevaulter in my school.

After quitting swimming, I played intramural ice hockey for a quarter at Ohio State. Then my senior year at Ohio State I joined the novice rowing team. After a month on the novice squad, the varsity coach moved me up. An ankle injury was my ultimate downfall and I got surgery just one month before the season started. Instead of quitting, I ended up holding my place on the varsity squad as a coxswain. And no, I did not just yell “stroke stroke stroke” the entire time.

What else? I grew up on a river and have sweet canoeing skills.

3. How old were you when you had your first beer?

Technically, I had my first taste of beer while in the womb. Apparently, my mother’s doctor told her it was safe for her to have a half of beer a day during pregnancy. And naturally, my mother indulged. My father wasn’t too thrilled about coming home to a half of a warm beer sitting on the counter, though.

To this day, my mom attests that beer sent her in labor. Whether or not this is true, is debatable. Regardless, I was born to be The Beer Wench.

4. If you can recall, what is the story of your first beer? Where did you have it? What style and brand was it?

The first beer I actually remember drinking was Samuel Adams Boston Lager. My mother went to Boston College and my parents eloped in Boston. Despite the fact that my mother was born and raised in NYC, she has a weird loyalty to Boston (picks the Red Sox over both the Yankees and the Mets).

Samuel Adams was my mother’s beer of choice. Spaten was my father’s beer of choice. Those were the only two beers that I saw in my house growing up.

Speaking of Spaten and my Dad, that is a great story as well. My Dad rarely ever drinks anything other than Spaten. I’ve never known anyone so loyal to one brand of beer than my father. Our garage refrigerator is always stocked with it. Like always. My Dad brings his own beers to parties because he does not trust anyone else’s tastes. On my 21st birthday, instead of getting kegs of cheap beer for my college-aged cheap friends, he got Spaten. My Dad even brought Spaten to my cousin’s wedding.

Needless to say, I grew up being exposed to “good” beer and craft beer growing up.

5. Where, if applicable, did you go to college? What did you study? What additional activities, organizations, sports did you partake in during college?

I love this question. Why? Because I love to live in the “glory days.” I am extremely proud of my achievements at The Ohio State University. I graduated with two B.A. degrees, varsity letters in 2 different sports and I was also involved in several school organizations. I guess you can call me an overachiever.

For this question, I will copy and paste from my resume:

The Ohio State University, 2001 – 2005, Columbus, OH
B.A., Psychology/B.A., Criminology, GPA: 3.6, Cum Laude

*Big Ten Scholar Athlete Award 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005
*Ohio State Scholar Athlete Award 2002, 2003, 2004 ,2005
*Ohio State Varsity Swimming & Diving 2001-2004
*Ohio State Varsity Rowing 2004-2005
*Most Improved OSU Female Swimmer 2002
*Buckeye Power Club Award 2003
*Student-Athlete Advisory Board, Marketing Chair
*Romophos Sophmore Honorary (social chair)
*Bucket & Dipper Junior Honorary
*Mortar Board National Senior Honorary
*National Society of Collegiate Scholars
*Golden Key International Honor Society

Craft Beer Epiphany

Every craft beer enthusiast has at least one pinnacle craft beer experience that completely changes ones perspective on beer. I refer to this mind-blowing moment as a “craft beer epiphany.”

1. What was your first craft beer epiphany? Recall as many details about it as you can:

My first craft beer epiphany was with DogFish Head’s Midas Touch. At the time I discovered it, I was managing a restaurant in Columbus, OH. I was also studying for sommelier certification and extremely into wine. This was back in the day when DogFish Head did not have a wide distribution and its specialty beers were extremely limited and hard to find. My restaurant was able to secure two cases of Midas Touch (which back then was a lot to get).

Being the “beverage manager,” I made sure to do my research about the beer before it came in. The concept of the beer completely blew my mind. I learned that it was brewed based on an ancient recipe from a DNA analysis of scrapings from barrels in King Midas’ tomb. The ingredients themselves were so weird for beer: honey, saffron, white muscat grapes and barley.

Now you must remember, I was an uber wine geek at that time. So they idea of a “winey beer” really excited me. The flavor delivered as well. This beer completely changed the way I thought about beer and encouraged e to push my beer palate to the extreme.

2. Have you have additional craft beer epiphanies since the first? Detail as many of them as you wish:

The next beer epiphany was Bell’s Two-Hearted Ale. It was my first taste of an American IPA. It was this beer that turned me into a total hophead. Over the course of two years, while still in Ohio, I probably consumed at least one pint of it a day. No joke. My two favorite beer bars (in my early Drink With The Wench days) always had it on tap. And I used to drink it like water.

My greatest craft beer epiphany BY FAR has to be the first time I ever tasted THE GUEUZE. It was at The Map Room in Chicago in May of 2008. I was in town for the National Restaurant Association Show. Somehow my coworker stumbled upon Brian VanZandbergen of Merchant Du Vin and raved to him about me being a beer blogger.

At this time, I was a total hophead and extreme beer fan. The closest I got to drinking Belgian beers was Unibroue’s La Fin Du Monde and Trois Pistols — which are Belgian styles, not Belgian beers. And I most certainly never touched English of German beers. I wanted my crazy hoppy, big alcohol, over the top flavored beers.

You see, I consider myself to be of the “DogFish Head Generation.” I started drinking extreme beers and completely skipped over the “classic styles.”

Once Brian realized how amateur my palate actually was, he made it his mission to school me on beer. And so my coworker and I piled into his car for a memorable night of beer bar crawling and beer tasting throughout Chicago.

As fate would have it, we ran into Stephen Beaumont — renowned beer writer — at Goose Island brewery. Since then, Stephen has served as an inspiration, tremendous resource and mentor to me. Stephen was also there for my gueuze epiphany.

Long story short (okay I guess it’s a bit late for that), we found ourselves at The Map Room. Brian set us up with a line up of 8 different Merchant Du Vin imported Belgian beers. One of them was Cuvee Renee, Lindeman’s gueuze. From the first sip, I became consumed and obsessed by the gueuze.

And the rest is history.

Beer Blog Background

1. How long have you been writing Drink With The Wench?

I started the website in February of 2007. It was originally titled “The Columbus Beer Wench.”

2. What inspired you to start writing your blog?

I am a writer. I love writing. And I happen to think that I have an affinity for it. I used to write a random stream of thoughts blog but, after a few months of doing that I decided to really focus my writing skills on one subject.

So I chose beer. Why? Well once I started studying beer, I became obsessed. After I left the restaurant for the marketing and advertising world, I still wanted to be involved in beer. I started hosting tastings and events around town. And then I started my website to help promote my events, recap my events as well as record my tasting notes and experiences.

3. Why did you chose the name of your blog?

Around the time I started writing her blog, I was working for a marketing and advertising agency. As a result of my job, I understood the importance of establishing a brand (as well as the proper steps of doing it).And so, I sat down one night and forced myself to come up with an Internet beer identity. I wanted something that was relevant to beer, yet playful and ‘rough around the edges’ — just like me. To me, the name Beer Wench is unpretentious and rowdy. However, don’t let the word Wench fool you. The Wench knows her beer.

As for the name Drink With The Wench, that used to be the name of the events I would host around Columbus. When I realized that The Beer Wench URL was taken, I opted for Drink With The Wench.

4. What are you personal goals for your blog? What do you hope to achieve with it?

The original goal of the blog was to force me to learn more about beer. When I started it, I was an amateur. I learn best when I take notes and, more importantly, when I teach others. The blog was originally a “virtual notebook” of my beer studies as well as a resource for me to organize beer tastings and beer events where I would teach others what I had learned.

I’m proud to say that I’m no longer a novice and, at the moment, I consider myself to be a beer connoisseur. The goal of my blog now is to spread the good word of craft beer — whether it be through beer tasting notes, beer news, beer event coverage, beer industry interviews, beer & food pairings, recipes with beer.

I love writing. I hope that my blog will help me turn my hobby into a career. Ideally, I would love to write about beer for a living (aka get paid for it). Michael Jackson is a huge mentor and inspiration of mine. I have said this many times before — my ultimate goal is to become Michael Jackson meets Ray Daniels with a little bit of Anthony Bourdain thrown in. I would love to get paid to travel the world, touring breweries, attending beer events, judging beers, hosting beer dinners & beer pairings etc… and then write all about my experiences. Eventually, I want to be published as well.

So if anyone knows how to make this dream a reality, please PLEASE help a Wench out!

5. What is one of the coolest things that happened to you as a result of being a beer blogger?

I would say it definitely has to be all the people I’ve met. I have traveled all over the country and have met a tremendous amount of important beer industry folks — brewers, writers, bloggers etc. I love the beer industry. The people in it are truly amazing. It takes a special kind of person to dedicate their life to craft beer!

6. What are you top 3 favorite beer blogs/beer websites?

This is a really hard question. Especially since I started this beer bloggers series. I have been finding all sorts of exciting & interesting beer websites as a result.

For news, my favorite beer resource is: BeerNews.Org

For podcasts, my favorite beer resource is: The Brewing Network

As for blogs, my “favorite” beer resource is: Brookston Beer Bulletin (Jay Brooks has been blogging about beer longer than I’ve been legal to drink. He has a HUGE archive)

I know I said 3, but I must throw in a fourth beer resource. My favorite (alive) beer writer is Stephen Beaumont from The World of Beer. He is “new” to blogging, but has been writing about beer professionally for decades. And he is damn good at it!

Beer Talk

1. What are your top 3 favorite beer styles?

1. Gueuze — I grew up in a “dairy country” New York. The smell of barnyard funk is relatively nostalgic for me. My neighbor across the street had horses as well. I’m oddly attracted to “manure” and grassy hay smells. My favorite wine regions — Rhone, Burgundy and Piedment — are known for producing “Bretty” wines. What can I say? I heart Brett.
2. American IPA — Specifically, the American IPAs hopped with Pacific Northwest varietals. I’m a huge fan of super high alpha acid hops. Love pine, resin and grapefruit flavors and aromas.
3. Saison — Back to the “barnyard” funk obsession. I love this style because of the Belgian yeast fruity esters aroma as well.

2. What are your top 3 favorite breweries?

This is a really tough question. American or European?

American (in no particular order) =

• Russian River Brewing Company
• DogFish Head Brewery
• 21st Amendment

European (in no particular order) =

• Drie Fontien
• Westmalle
• Orval

3. If you could work with or for any one brewery, which one would it be and why?

Where would my skills and talents best be used and appreciated? Probably with DogFish Head. My writing in fairly witty and they “get” social media. I think it would be really fun to work in the Marketing “department” of DogFish Head. I love their creativity and passion. And I would love to work along side Mariah Calagione!

However, I have fallen in love with living on the West Coast. (Although, I would leave it for a job in the industry — hint hint). So if I was to stay on the West Coast, I would probably enjoy working for Stone Brewing Co. Same idea as with DFH. They are creative and “get” social media. And I love Dr. Bill and Greg Koch.

Can I do one more? New Belgium in Fort Collins would be an awesome place to work. I really admire their dedication to sustainability. I ride my bike every chance I get and would love to work somewhere that not only appreciates that, but encourages it. And I would love to help them take their social media presence to the next level.

4. Are you a homebrewer? If yes, what is the most unique and interesting beer recipes you’ve brewed as a homebrewer?

Not yet. Being a gypsy has made it hard to aquire the proper equiptment and I have no yet had the proper room for it or storage space. Soon, though. Soon.

5. Do you have any beer certifications (BJCP, Cicerone, Siebel, American Brewers Guild)?? If so, what are they?

Cicerone Certified Beer Server!!!

I’m in the process of pursuing Cicerone Certification. Follow my adventures at In Pursuit of Cicerone Certification.

6. What is your favorite beer and food pairing?

My favorite pairing, by far, is beer mussels & gueuze (or saison).

The Personal Side

1. What is your current day job?

Aye, therein lies the rub. I have no day job. No income source. Sigh.

2. If you could change your career at this very moment, without any restrictions on what you could do, what would you want to do and why?

As I said earlier, my ideal job would be Michael Jackson meets Anthony Bourdain. I would love to travel the world writing about beer (possibly doing videos as well).

I would also love to do social media marketing, copy writing and traditional marketing for a craft brewery. I am super bummed that I missed the opportunity to do so with Stone, but hopefully another craft brewery will create a similar position (hint hint).

3. Are you married? Children?

Oh hell no. And hell no. I want to trade my uterus for an extra liver.

4. Outside of beer and writing, what are some of your other hobbies?

I am still a wine connoisseur, although it has been quite some time since I’ve truly wine geeked out. I’m an avid cook and and even more avid eater. I love developing recipes with beer. I like taking beer adventures on my bike (not a good combination, I know. Hence all my scars). I also love hockey skating, but rarely get the chance.

During college football season, I spend a good deal of time watching football. I am obsessed with Ohio State Football — to a fault. I can throw a better spiral than most boys I know (but I just can’t throw the ball as far).

I am also getting into both scotch and cigars.

Off The Beaten Path

1. If you were a style of beer, what style would be an why?

If I were a beer style, I would be Orval — the only beer that is its own style. My creation story is stuff of childhood fantasies (the Countess, the wedding band, the trout). I am the only Trappist beer to be dry-hopped, which makes me earthy & spicy. The Belgian candy sugar gives me an underlying sweetness.

But the real kicker, is the Brett. Since I was inoculated with Brett at bottling, I am constantly changing in the bottle. Today I taste like an English IPA, but tomorrow I might be sour and reek of horse blanket. The wild yeast makes me funky and unpredictable, Yet, since I was purposefully inoculated by the Monks, it means that there is method in my madness.

2. You were caught smuggling beer illegally, which has now been made punishable by death. Right before you are sent to the executioner, you are offered one last beer. What beer would you chose and why?

Definitely a gueuze. Although Drie Fontenien is my favorite, I might go for Lindeman’s Cuvee Renee because it was my first gueuze and it holds a special place in my heart. I would die after a moment of nostalgia and great memories.

3. If I contracted you to brew a beer (or design a beer recipe) called “The Beer Wench” — what style would you chose and what, if any, extra ingredients would you add?

Ah yes, I finally get to answer this question. I’ve been really impressed by a few people’s answers on this question. The best answer by far was by Alex P. Davis. I was going to steal his idea, but instead I’m going to make my own recipe.

The base beer would be a Saison. I would brew the beer in Colorado because that is where I was born and I want to use Rocky Mountain water. Primary fermentation would be with traditional Saison yeast. The beer would then be put into Chateauneuf-Du-Pape wine barrels (my all time favorite wine region) with Brettonomyces and Hudson Valley unpasteurized apple cider (for extra fermentable sugars … not sure if it would work because I don’t know the technical details of Brett and re-fermentation in barrels). The final product would be dry hopped with rose petals (my birth flower).

Yeah, that sounds pretty cool to me.

4. If you could be a superhero, what would you want your superpowers to be?

Flight of teleportation. That way I can travel the world and do all the things I dream about doing.

5. What is one of the craziest things you have ever done and lived to tell the story?

Jumped off an 80 foot cliff. I was one of those kids growing up (okay maybe I’m still that way) that tried to out-do everyone. “Anything you can do, I can do better.” Cliff jumping was a hobby of mine in my later high school days. Naturally, it was illegal and very dangerous.

My friends and I went to a new spot that we heard about. We all started on the small cliff — about 30 feet. Then me and a few others decided to bump up our game and try the 50 foot. No biggy.

I decided it would be awesome to swim across the river, climb up the steep hill and attempt to jump off the 80 foot cliff. Why? Because I had to show off. I though I was such a badass.

I slipped when I jumped and ended up hitting the water at an angle. You have to understand, water becomes as hard as concrete from that height. When I hit the water, my contacts blew off of my eyes, my wind was completely knocked out and I was completely paralyzed. I thought I was going to drown. And as a competitive swimmer, drowning is your greatest nightmare.

Some boys across the river (on the small cliff side) jumped in the water and pulled me out. I could not walk for almost a week. And the whole left side of my body was a giant black and blue bruise. My ribs were bruised. I was a mess.

6. What are your thoughts on bacon?

I am utterly obsessed with it.

Thanks to everyone for reading “my story”! Sorry my interview was so long winded. But what can I say, I am a writer after all. And the one subject I can write a lot about is myself

CHEERS!

Today I was extremely excited, humbled and honored to learn that one of my favorite craft brewers in the country, Todd Parker, released a new beer inspired by … well, The Beer Wench (aka me!).

The beer was inspired by a Featured Beer Tweeter interview that Todd did with me back in December. One of my questions in the interview was:

If I contracted you to brew a beer (or design a beer recipe) called “The Beer Wench” — what style would you chose and what, if any, extra ingredients would you add?

Todd responded:

It would be a Belgian IPA with Brett to dry it out, it would be spicy, yet fruity, with tons of flavor. It would ring in at 7.5%, and everyone would wonder what else is in there (because I will have accented the beer with other spices like black, white and red pepper, cardamom, and coriander).

The actual beer brewed was slightly different from the original idea.

The Beer Wench

(brewed by: Todd Parker of Copper Canyon Brewing Co.)

This beer came about from an interview I did with a Beer Blogger who writes under the name The Beer Wench (and tweets under it too). Like her, this beer is blonde, spicy, and a little bitter (actually this beer is a lot bitter). This is a newer style of beer called a Belgian IPA. This style came about when a Belgian brewer decided to try to replicate American IPA’s. These beers are very one dimensional- Hoppy! There are hints from the Belgian yeast as a spicy component. This beer although lighter bodied, rings in at 8% abv.

The interview can be found HERE.

Food Pairings: this beer goes well with spicy dishes.

Similar Beers: La Chouffe’s Houblon, Flying Dog’s Raging Bitch

I really enjoy the fact that a beer similar to The Beer Wench is Raging Bitch. What does that say about me? Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that!

Big thanks to Todd for making my day … and quite possibly my year!

CHEERS!

Anyone can call themselves an expert on beer.

Heck, my personal business cards say Beer Connoisseur in lieu of having a “job title”.

But what does that really mean? After all, it is a self-proclaimed title. It would be like calling myself a wine aficionado. Sure I know more about wine than your average person, but does that qualify me as an expert in the subject?

In today’s society, standardized tests are king.

There is a reason why people obtain college degrees. As much as we would love to prove our own intelligence level without a diploma, it makes it that much easier to argue our case with that silly piece of paper.

And forget the significance of a college diploma, one can’t even get into college without a decent score on the SAT or the ACT. As for further education? Try getting into graduate or professional programs without taking the GRE, MCAT or LSAT. Not going to happen, my friends.

Would you visit a “doctor” that does not hold a Medicinae Doctor (MD) degree or hire a “lawyer” without a Juris Doctor degree? The Wench thinks not.

Having an official title means a lot in today’s day and age. Sad yes, but true.

If I told you that I gave the best massages in the world, would you pay me $100 an hour to massage you? Probably not. If I was certified in some crazy exotic form of massage from some fancy massage therapy school,  I can guarantee that you would pay me big money to massage your back.

There is a large debate on whether or not standardized measures should predetermine one’s ability to perform a certain set of skills. I can argue both ways.

You see, I am “that guy” — the student that everyone hates. Mom, Dad … please stop reading. No, really. You don’t want to hear this.

I was the kid who never had to study. EVER. You remember that kid in college, the one who spent all day on AOL instant messenger and all night hanging with friends, watching movies, out at parties and NOT studying? You remember that kid who never came to class, but got straight A’s? Yep, that was me.

Now, Mom & Dad, I know you are still reading this. But, remember what you told me? “We will pay for A’s & B’s but not for C’s & D’s.” Did I ever let you down? No.

I’m very proud to say that I never had to pay my parents a cent … just saying. Regardless of my (lack of) studying habits, I graduated with honors.  But luck has nothing to do with it.

As much as I hate them, I do believe that standardized tests are important. Without them, anyone could declare themselves have any sort of credentials that they want or see fit, by their own standards — i.e.: I drink beer, therefore, I am a beer expert.

Society does need (ahhhh and my liberal nature hates admitting this) some sort of standards when it comes to expertise in different arenas. There has to be some sort of neutral and fair system in place that determines ones level of expertise in a certain subject. Am I wrong?

Long story short, I had a bad day. A really really bad day. An Alexander and Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Yes, it was that bad. One of those days where you question your own self-worth and your purpose for existence on the planet.

Sure, I call myself a beer “connoisseur” … but what does that mean?? I write about beer, big deal. I drink a lot of beer, big deal. I read a lot of beer books & websites, big deal.

Wellas fate would have it, my stars were aligned in some sort of twisted yet methodological pattern today. You see, just as I was about to go get myself into a drunken funk and sulk in a corner, a strange thing occurred.

My friend on Twitter (@djacra) passed the Cicerone Certified Beer Server test. And upon congratulating him on his amazing feat, many of my followers that that it was I who had passed the exam — not him. And after explaining the mix up to several people, it occurred to me … how am I not certified??? (After all, I consider myself to be … errrr… a beer connoisseur?)

My rather emotional and irrational state of mind jaded my perception. And so I ventured into my beer cellar, where I found a relatively low abv beer to aide as liquid courage.

Once I made my decision, I could not go back. With Frank Sinatra on the stereo & La Folie in the glass, I registered my information into the Cicerone program. And with no prior preparation or studying, I took the test.

Why on earth would pay $50 to take a test on a whim without any sort of preparation?

My closest friends in college and high school will tell you that I’m not one to study. (Once again, Mom & Dad — earmuffs!!!)

Studying was never my thing. LEARNING is, however. I’m really good at learning things and committing them to memory automatically (I am blessed with a photographic memory — yes try and test it, I dare you). Which, kind of makes it redundant to study. After all, if I KNOW it already — why would I need to study it?

And so, I challenged myself today. Do I really know as much about beer as I think I do?

As it turns out, I’m on the right track. Am I a beer expert? Oh hell no. Am I a beer dummy? Oh hell no.

Neither an expert nor a novice, I am The Beer Wench — a Cicerone Certified Beer Server!!!